I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
