I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
