Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
