my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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