I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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