Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
