i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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