are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
