Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
