I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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