you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
