I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
