I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
