Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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