tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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