I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
