come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
even my farts smell like vagina
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
