first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
