We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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