My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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