It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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