Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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