Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
