I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize