Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
