I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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