Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
