Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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