the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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