just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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