if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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