the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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