I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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