She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
