i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
