i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
