Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
