Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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