im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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