I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize