this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
