you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
