yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
