Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
barbara walters just said penis...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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