I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
