I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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