This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i think my mom watched the whole time
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize