If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
