the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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