You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
