Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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