Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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