So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize