i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
