I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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