I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
