foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
