Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
