My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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