I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Randomize
