it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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