i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i think i just lost a toe
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
